Time Out versus Taking a Break

Time out in the stockade for poor behaviour!!

I've been thinking about time outs and how effective they are in the grand scheme of things.  What am I trying to teach my kids by putting them on a timeout for an amount of time based on me and how long I think they need to get over the problem and obey me.  How long is long enough?  One minute for ever year?  10 minutes, 15 minutes or longer because I've forgotten about them.  How is this teaching my child to handle life and prepare them for conflict resolution in their adulthood?  I am not sure.

What do we do as adults when we have reached our limits?  What is the mature thing to do to handle conflict when we are feeling ready to boil over?  Hopefully we take some time to collect ourselves, pray and calm down...essentially allowing ourselves to take a break from the situation and rethink things and come back ready to rationally handle the problem. 

Taking a Break

...this follows a very biblical model of correction and focuses on the heart with the goal of changing the heart.  God is very much concerned with the heart of his children.  He doesn't simply want us to obey and grumble as we do what he asks of us.  He wants us to turn our hearts to him fully and obey out of love and honor and respect.

So what does taking a break look like and how is it different from a time out? 

Well, with time out, we place a child on a chair or whatever and we require them to sit for a certain amt of time and then we release them when we feel they have served their sentence.  Sometimes it works and the child is cooperative enough to carry on to do what we have asked.  More often then not, the child obeys but is still angry and noncompliant.  We haven't sought out relationship with the child...we have only changed behaviour but likely not reached their heart.

Taking a break is different...I've seen this work in my children.  This is what it looks like.

My child approaches me and asks for a cookie before supper and I give them a no answer.  My child starts to whine and complain and badger me.  I explain why its not a good time to have junk and offer a piece of fruit or maybe nothing (they simply have to wait).  At this point, the child continues to argue etc...you know what I mean :)   

(This is when we are tempted as parents to get angry or to raise our voices or discipline with timeout.  Ok...here is a new scenario to consider...)

"It appears to me like you are upset with my answer.  Your attitude is not honoring to mommy and I think you need to take a break to change your attitude.  Please come back when you are ready to discuss this calmly."

 Send your child to the break place...stairs, chair, spot on the floor or where ever...makes no difference where as long it is isolated so he has time to be alone.  Now with my kids it was not an easy adjustment...they would stomp their feet, kick the wall, and other annoying things which I ignored (and still do) 

Now my job is to WAIT!

 I am not going tell my child when to return to me.  The length of that break is up to the child.  Just like the father of the prodigal son in Luke 15, I am waiting with my arms open for my child to return to fellowship with me.  Its important that my attitude is warm and welcoming and not judgemental.  (not always easy when you are irritated but I'm working on it)

It may take 5, 10, 20 or more minutes depending on how irritated the child is about the situation.  When they are ready, they will return to you to chat.  I have been blessed to see my child change in that time...from angry and defiant to warm and inviting...it is truly amazing and the BEST part is  NOW  I have their attention and their heart and I also have a teachable moment.  We can end this time with a positive conclusion.

Now, just as an adult is calm and ready to discuss matters after a break (hopefully), the child is calm and ready to discuss matters.  You can ask some questions.

1. What did you do that was wrong?
2. Why was it wrong?
3. What are you going to differently next time?

Here are your training moments.  Here is where you teach to the heart and build the relationship.

And it works!  I've seen it work with my children.  I've seen an angry child melt and come into my arms smiling afterwards. 

Here we can build up our children and tell them that we have faith in them that they won't repeat the same offence again....just like Jesus in John 8 said to the woman...."Go and sin no more"

"I believe you will do the right thing next time."

Its not easy and they will fight the process.  I send mine back to break if they haven't changed their attitude and sometimes I still have to add consequences if they refuse to change.  But overall, I have seen a wonderful change in my children since I have started this.  Plus we are teaching our children valuable skills for mature problem solving as an adult in the future!

Honor is the key.

Honor and Parenting

Sir Tanner--Gallant and honorable Knight-in-training

I've been spending quite a bit of time thinking and pondering parenting.  I have been praying and reading scripture trying to see what I am missing.  It seems that as parents we spend so much energy trying to change our children's behaviour but are we really being successful?  We focus so much on changing the behaviour but we don't focus on heart attitude.   I find myself constantly irritated and angry.  Why can't they do their chores without being asked?  Why do they tease each other?  Will they ever stop fighting?  Why do they grumble and complain?  What am I doing wrong?  UGH!  Hmmm...I wonder if that was a small sample of what God felt with the children of Israel. 

 My children and I have spent much of this year studying Moses.  It has been such an eye opener for me to study this part of the bible so closely...study people like Moses, Joshua, Caleb, Gideon, Sampson, Samuel, David...so many things can be learned from each story.  God has been speaking to me this year...He still is but I wanted to journal a bit about what I have learned and am still learning...about parenting and yes, honor.

I have a confession to make.  I suppose if this were an self-help meeting, I would stand up and say "Hi, my name is Kimberley and I'm selfish."  *smile*   One thing i have learned about myself as a parent is I am selfish.  Whew...there i said it.  They say that admitting your sin is half the battle.  Parenting is hard work.  Sometimes all I want to do is sleep in, take a hot bath, read a book or watch TV all day.  But I can't.  I can't even remember the last time I could do any of those things.  Parenting requires sacrifice and selflessness and as parents, we keep going along...although not always with honor.  Sometimes we shout or belittle or in someway injure the spirits of our kids.  Honor speaks a different language.

Honors says that we treat others as special, do more than is expected and have a good attitude.

I have come to realize that its time to change our family dynamic.  I don't simply want my kids to obey and wander off grumbling in their spirits.  I want to reach their hearts.  Honor is the key to doing that.  Honor changes how we think, act and treat others.  When we stop and think that honor is a two way street, suddenly it makes me look at my children in a whole different light.

For a knight in medieval times, duty, honor and loyalty were key to their success.  HONOR.

Honor is the key to parenting.  I FINALLY get it Lord!